The Little (and Big!) Changes Expat Life Brings

When I boarded a ferry more than fifteeen years ago and left the UK to start a new life in the Netherlands, I never really stopped to consider how different my life would actually be.

I knew there was a new language to learn, one that I'd mistaken for a strange German dialect during a summer holiday in Turkey. 

I was, of course, aware of the typical Dutch associations with clogs, windmills, cheese and tulips but I shrugged that off as stereotypes. I learnt that the old adage 'no smoke without fire' is alive and well and there are actually a fair few windmills in the Netherlands, some farmers do wear clogs (as well as father-in-laws working in gardens) and the Dutch do happen to grow a tremendous number of tulips.... and they like cheese. But these turned out to be the least of the differences thrown at me when I embraced an expat life in the Netherlands. 

Tales from the Expat Harem - Book Review

I believe that a book that transports you to another place is the most rewarding read you can get. A book that allows you to experience a different culture or unknown feeling from the comfort of your easy chair, bed or garden, or even the less comfortable perch in the smallest room in the house, is one to rave about.

Reading Tales from the Expat Harem: Foreign Women in Modern Turkey (Seal Women's Travel) (UK link - for US link see Amazon picture below) will make you feel like you have experienced a little of life in Turkey. It is nearly three hundred pages of expat women telling their tales about life in a country that bridges east and west, that even within its own borders joins the modern and the traditional.

6 December aka 'Put Your Christmas Tree Up' Day

In the Netherlands as soon as pakjesavond is celebrated and Sinterklaas is on his way back to Spain everything related to the 5th of December is quickly packed away. Then it's time to turn attention to Christmas. That means everyone runs to the local garden centre or Christmas tree vendor on the 6th of December and spends the rest of the day hauling the Christmas stuff from the zolder (attic) and decorating the tree.

Which is exactly how we spent our day yesterday. Well, actually we did a little preparation and bought our tree on Friday whilst the kids were busy in school with Sinterklaas and his helpers. But then we realised we hadn't bought a snow blanket thing to put the Christmas village on so my husband popped to our local Intratuin. He picked up the last snow blanket pack.... and was actually challenged by another shopper as to whether his need was greater than hers...... It's a jungle out there folks.

Many years ago, when I was a naive and untrained expat, I attempted to get our Christmas tree up as soon as December reared its head. I learnt very quickly that that is just NOT DONE in the Netherlands. You should have the courtesy to see Sinterklaas off before you welcome Christmas into your home. I know better these days and go with the flow.

And so it is now in our home too: 6 December aka 'put your Christmas tree up' day.

You Know You're a British Expat When.......

You can take a Brit out of Britain, but you can't always take the Brit out of the Brit....even when a Brit no longer lives in Britain......

15 Habits for 15 Years in the Netherlands

As regular readers will already know this month marks fifteen years for me in the Netherlands. It's impossible to live in another country for fifteen years and not pick up the habits of the locals. Here's fifteen things I now do that I didn't do before I moved to the Netherlands*.

UFOs are just one Dutch habit I have picked up

1. Living local

I pretty much live life with everything on my doorstep. I walk six minutes with my children to get to school. In the Netherlands the average primary school child has to travel 700m to school. Within a few minutes on foot I can be at a number of supermarkets and even my local town is only twenty minutes walk. Life in the Netherlands (unless you head out to the sticks) is small scale and local. Hence, all the cycling. There's less jumping in your car for every little errand.

2. Breakfast

Once a week we sit together as a family and eat breakfast comprising of crackers, cheese, cold meats and a variety of things that come out of a jar - like jam and pindakaas. It's not the sort of breakfast I ever ate in England.

3. Stamppot

Once winter arrives the potato masher comes out and stamppot is firmly on the weekly menu. It's a Dutch staple served with sausage and gravy which matches well with my British upbringing - Shepherd's Pie and Cottage Pie were regularly served up for dinner. We Brits are no strangers to mashing up potatoes and vegetables so stamppot was an easy habit to pick up.

4. Soup

It may be my imagination, or my lack of culinary adventures back in Britain, but the Dutch seem to be more into making hearty vegetable soups from scratch than the Brits. You can buy everything you need in one packet in the supermarket so for the real cooking slouches you don't need to do any food preparation at all. A healthy and warming habit to have picked up - which incidentally my kids love and if there is an easy way of getting vegetables into them then it's a winner for me!

5. Natuurijs

I can not so much as remember a time I stood on a frozen body of water as a kid in England, let alone skated on one. Here in the Netherlands it's as normal in winter (weather permitting) as putting on your woolly hat and gloves. Watching the excitement of my children on natuurijs is something I will always treasure even when they're all big and grown up. I have even been known to venture out carefully to stand on the ice myself but certainly not going as far as putting ice skates on my own feet. (The habits I haven't adopted could probably fill another blog post.)

6. Hagelslag

Having a box of hagelslag (chocolate sprinkles) as a permanent feature in my kitchen cupboard is not a habit I am particularly proud of but I defy anyone with kids to live here and not have it lurking somewhere in the kitchen. In my defence, I am stricter with it than most other parents I know as my sons have it only on special occasions and not as their breakfast staple. However, you will always be able to find a box in my kitchen cupboard.

7. Country Hopping

Essentially, I grew up on an island. We visited Wales and in later years Ireland, but country hopping wasn't really something we did regularly because of the distance. And then I moved to the Netherlands - Belgium, France and Germany are practically on our doorstep. In our pre-children days my husband and I flitted off for weekends in one country or another on a regular basis. Sometimes, even just for a day. A nice habit right?

8. Supermarket Visits

This is related a little to the first habit. Supermarkets are close. I practically pass by after the school run so can pop in and grab things on my way home. My visits to the supermarket in England were strictly on a maximum of once a week basis. Frozen sections were large, even fifteen years ago in British supermarkets. In fact, supermarkets there on the whole were large fifteen years ago. Here in the Netherlands they are more local and smaller scale and the frozen food section generally nothing to write home about. It's all about fresh. The baker, the butcher and the cheesemaker (my blog - I can make up words to fit) are still well visited as part of the Dutch shopping rituals. So these days you'll find me in a supermarket or food shop more regularly than you would have done twenty years ago.

9. Orange Clothes

I am not sure if I ever wore anything orange prior to living in the land of the Dutch. It's now a habit to dress in orange at least once a year to celebrate the Dutch king's birthday. In-between there are football matches to dress in orange for - though sorry to say that 2016 is not looking like one of those years........

10. Sinterklaas

Before landing on Dutch shores I had never even heard of Sinterklaas. Now I am an enthusiastic celebrator on the 5th December - and I have got used to hearing Sinterklaas songs for the month prior to the big celebration and three months after he has left the country whilst the children try to get out of the habit of singing "Sie ginds komt een stoomboot..." every morning. Some habits you just have to grin and bear.......

11. Pancakes

We eat pancakes probably once a month. In England this was an annual affair on Shrove Tuesday. It took me a long time here to accept pancakes covered with sprinkles as my sons' dinner. But every now and then I just let it slide, tuck my Britishness away in my pocket and watch them devour pancakes as their evening meal. It's called integrating I guess.....

12. Living life in Dutch

Obviously in England my life was conducted in the English language. My days now usually comprise talking in Dutch. I talk to my sons' teachers in Dutch, I talk to people in the shops in Dutch, I greet and chat with my neighbours in Dutch. It's one of the hardest habits I have picked up, but also one of the most necessary and one of the most rewarding.

13. Watching TV with subtitles

I no longer think anything of watching a TV program spoken in Swedish, Danish or German because shows are subtitled with Dutch. The Dutch, thank goodness, do not dub TV programs (with the exception of children's programs), instead TV shows have Dutch subtitles. Not only is it a great way of picking up Dutch vocabulary, it also became such a normal thing that I miss them when they are not on my screen. And I am so used to reading them as I watch TV that the spoken language can change from English and I barely notice anymore.

14. Snacks

Before moving to the Netherlands the most exotic things I saw deep fried were fish and sausages - and I had of course heard about the infamous Mars Bar. The Dutch take deep fried food to a whole new level and have made an art of all things deep fried under the label of 'snacks'. I affectionately refer to snacks as UFOs - Unidentified Fried Objects. You don't want to know what is in the middle of one of those fried snacks you order at the snack bar. It's a habit I get dragged along with as I am married to a Dutchman, and Dutch people like snacks. I remember my first snack bar experience - it was confusing and stressful. Being asked the question, "What would you like?" whilst faced with a billion unfamiliar things in the cooler before me was harrowing......

15. ADO Den Haag

My most recent habit that has formed is my regular attendance at the Kyocera Stadium in The Hague to watch my local eredivisie club ADO Den Haag play football. Aside, from my actual Dutch home, it's become the place I feel most at home in the Netherlands. It's my favourite habit to date.


*This post was inspired by 7 habits for 7 years in Germany by Let the Journey Begin

8 Things Expats Should Know About Going Shopping in the Netherlands

If you want to come home from a shopping expedition in the Netherlands with your sanity in tact retaining any semblance of a good mood, there are a few guidelines you'd be wise to follow. Whether it is a trip to the local supermarket, or some retail therapy in your local high street or winkelcentrum, you need to go shopping prepared.

1. Avoid shopping on Saturdays

Regular high street shops are open from 9.00 to 6pm at the latest from Monday to Saturday. On a Monday, many shops won't open until lunchtime. In addition to this, there will be a koopavond in your town - usually a Thursday or Friday, when the shops are open until somewhere in the region of 9pm. 

Sunday opening is more wide spread than it once was but it remains scattered, controversial and not worth relying on in anything but major towns. Hence, the stampede on Saturdays as the entire Dutch population descends on the local high streets; little wonder as most people are working when the shops are open the rest of the time. If you like elbow shoving, queuing and moaning, then save your shopping spree for a Saturday afternoon.

2. Weekly Supermarket Shops are for Saturdays Only

Don't think you can walk into any supermarket at anytime and load your shopping trolley up to the brim. If you do this in the evening, around the time people come out of work, you can expect sighing, tutting and catty comments about how your type should be banned from supermarkets. Evenings are for those people who do their shopping daily - those grabbing vegetables, milk and bread - and not for you to do your weekly shop. 

Before you ask, no it is not the supermarket's fault that only two of the eight tills are open during the busiest period of the shopping day so queues form: it is YOUR fault because you do your weekly shop outside the socially accepted designated times.

3. Take Carrier Bags Out with You

If you go shopping empty handed, you must either juggle your purchases under your armpits, have big pockets, or pay for bags. Some shops will give you free bags, but you take the risk of needing hospital treatment for cuts inflicted by the inappropriate handles attached to the dangerously thin bags and in 2015 even this will be history.

4. Shop Online Around the Holidays

Shops in December are no-go. Everyone is frantically buying Sinterklaas gifts, promptly followed by Christmas presents. However, the snag is that Dutch shops offer to wrap your gifts for free..... Yes, for free... and this means the Dutch are queued out of the shop doors in their droves for their free wrapping. Unless you are partial to Bart Smit or V & D wrapping paper, do yourself a favour and shop online and wrap your own presents in the comfort of your own home whilst gulping down sipping a festive drink.

5. Smiles are not Included in the Price of your Shopping

Dutch customer service comes as a surprise to foreigners. In fact, you can spend your first few years months in the Netherlands trying to find customer service. There is an important rule to obey in shops here - failure to comply is at your own peril.

"Thou shalt not interrupt employees whilst they are talking to each other about their weekends or homework and don't talk to employees whilst they are on a private telephone call." 

Accept that they clearly have better things to do than what they are actually paid to do. If you can ring up your own purchases, then all the better.

6. Strategically Return your Shopping Trolley

Always put your shopping trolley back at the end of the longest row of trolleys, even if this means returning it to a row which trails over the main road, blocks the entrance to a lift or path or crosses a motorway. Your aim is to hinder other shoppers and block the passage of cars. You need your 50 cents back right? And your legs have given up the will to live after your tiring shopping excursion? You can't possibly walk the extra few metres to the shortest row of trolleys.

7. Combine Supermarket Shopping with a Workout

Try to see hopping over empty boxes, careering around stock carts, and pegging it back to the shop entrance for that one elusive product they keep moving around as good, healthy exercise. Don't complain about products stacked high and out of reach - see it as a chance for a good stretch (or alternatively a way of getting into conversation with a tall handsome local).

8. Plan the Emptying of your Shopping Trolley

Conveyor belts in the Netherlands are mini versions of those in other countries. Hence, if you place your bread anywhere but the end of the belt, you have approximately 2.3 seconds to run past the cashier to the end of the belt to save your bread before it turns prematurely into breadcrumbs. If you are planning to make breadcrumbs with your loaf, then this will save you effort and time later. However, if you want to make sandwiches with it, place it at the end of the belt when you empty your shopping trolley, or practice your sprinting before heading to a supermarket. The employee behind the till will not rescue it for you. See tip 5.

On a similar note, do not open bottles of fizzy drinks, beer or wine directly on your return home - if indeed you are one of the lucky ones whose beer arrives safely at the end of the conveyor belt. They will need to settle after their hazardous journey along the, albeit short, conveyor belt. My husband's most recent experience involved the neck of a beer bottle breaking off as it was hurtled to the end of the belt and the cashier asking, "Do you still want that?" He told her only if she had a glass handy for him.

And on this subject.. don't pack your shopping into bags or crates at the end of the conveyor belt. Throw it all back in your trolley and pack it into bags whilst you hover at your car boot in the car park. It's much more efficient, great fun if it is raining - and you can't get your car out of the parking bay you left it in yet anyway because of the line of shopping trolleys across the car park......

Good luck and have fun!

8 Things Every Expat Needs to Know About Driving in the Netherlands

There are some tricks to help you get safely from A to B on the roadways of the Netherlands*. It may seem like the rules of the road are self explanatory and easy to follow but often they are not quite as they seem. Here are eight tips to help you drive whilst you are driving around this little Dutch nation.

1. You Need to Change Your Driving Licence

There comes a time when your home nation driving licence just isn't valid anymore to drive in the Netherlands. For some nationalities, this means taking a Dutch driving test.  If this applies to you, don't worry. Judging by the driving habits of the rest of the nation, it really can't be that hard.

For others, it is simply a case of swapping once licence for another as is the case with the Brits. 

Interestingly, swapping a British licence to a Dutch one gave me the right to drive many more (heavy) vehicles than the average Dutchman. Don't ask me why but when I first converted my British license to a Dutch one I could pretty much drive a juggernaut here whilst my Dutch husband was limited to cars and the like - he would have to take a separate test to join me on any truck driving adventure ideas I may have harboured. When I had to renew my Dutch license last year I had to take a test to continue my non-existent juggernaut driving so I politely turned down the kind offer and am now only able to drive regular road vehicles like the majority of the Dutch nation. It was fun whilst it lasted, particularly when I was contemplating my next career move back in 2008.......

2. They're Traffic Lights but not as We Know Them

The colours are the same: red, yellow (or amber if you want to be pedantic) and green but they mean different things.

• A traffic light that is turning to red means put the gas pedal to the floor and GO GO GO because you can easily make it before it turns really red. If you stop at a traffic light as it turns from amber to red, expect to get beeped at by the car(s) behind.
• If a traffic light is amber it means speed up, you can easily make it before it turns red.
• A green traffic light means go, if you have bothered to stop in the first place.

3. Speed Limits Don't Apply to Everyone

If you choose to drive at 120km, or 130 km where it's allowed, on the motorway in the fast lane, don't be suprised to see that you pick up an assortment of "trailers" on your journey. Whilst bumperkleven (tailgating) is illegal in the Netherlands it's no deterrent for Dutch drivers and the fight for space in this little land is no more apparant than on the third lane of the nation's highways. In fact, the Dutch are trying to get bumperkleven classified as an Olympic sport to improve their gold medal tally.

When roadworks are being carried out on the motorway, and a temporary speed limit is in place do not make a mental note to take your car in to the garage to have your speedometer checked. It's fine. Really. It's just that the lower speed limit only applies to you and not to other drivers on the road.

4. You Can Make Someone's Day at a Zebra Crossing

When you stop at a zebra crossing to allow a Dutch pedestrian to cross, expect a look of surprise or shock on the faces of those waiting at the side of the road; they never believed you would actually stop so you have just made their day. Your expat status will of course be easy to spot in such circumstances.

5. There are More than Just Cars on the Road

At a junction, the absence of cars or pedestrians nearby does not mean it is safe to pull out or turn; watch out for buses, trams and cycles as they come out of nowhere and usually have priority.

If you have to make an emergency maneuver to avoid something hitting you expect the middle finger should you hit your horn as a warning or in frustration or anger.  It does not matter that they have almost hit your car, or that you have had to use all your driving know-how to avoid a collision - you have no right to beep at the offender.

6. Right has Priority

If there are no clear markings on the road, then any road turning onto the road you are on from the right has priority. This means that cars may pull out in front of you from the right and they DO actually have right of way, though it might seem like anti-social driving to you. Do not shout, blaspheme or stick your middle finger up. It's not nice.

7. There's a Knack to Roundabout Etiquette

Do not wait for Dutch drivers to signal on the roundabouts. You must guess when they will turn off - it is a sort of national game. You must also pull out on to the roundabout even when it looks like you don't have enough time to do so safely. Someone will eventually stop for you. Or in the back of you.

8. Cars do not Float

Even if you have not been in the Netherlands very long you have probably noticed there is a fair bit of water around in the form of canals, rivers and lakes. Oh, and the sea. Be careful when you are parking in the narrow spaces near the water - spaces that are typical in Amsterdam and Leiden for example. There are rarely barriers and it is a harrowing drop down to the water if you don't brake in time. Trust me when I tell you it's not just shopping trolleys and bikes that are fished out of Dutch waterways.

*Despite anything you may read here, or may have heard from others driving in the Netherlands is safer than it looks. The CBS relays that the Netherlands is in the top five when it comes to the least amount of road fatalities per 1 million people within the European Union.

8 Essential Items Every Expat Needs in Their Dutch Home

In order to integrate in the Netherlands there are (at least) eight essentials you need to have tucked away somewhere in your home. Without them your integration will never be complete and you may even fail the inburgeringscursus*.

1. Potato Masher
Without this vital piece of kitchen equipment you can never hope to truly master Dutch cuisine. Using a masher effectively is hard work but never fear because practice makes perfect. As a guide, you need to keep mashing until the food object in question looks squished beyond any hope of resuscitation.

This kitchen tool allows you to make a perfect stamppot or hutspot- perfect for warming the tummy in winter. Also very handy for preparing meals for after major dentistry work or whilst waiting for the healing of a broken jaw.

2. Birthday Calendar
This is an essential for the smallest room in the house, namely the downstairs loo. If you don't have a downstairs loo, then I fear total integration may be just out of your grasp. Make sure you include the birthday of anyone likely to visit your house - everyone checks for their name whilst they are making use of your facilities. They really do. If they come out of your downstairs loo looking mad it is in no way a reflection of the quality of your chosen toilet paper, rather it's because you forgot to put their birthday in your calendar..

3. Bicycle
It almost goes without saying, but without a bike in the Netherlands you are no one. You simply must have a bike - it really doesn't matter how much you use it but you should have one. Where it is stored differs from household to household. The shed is a popular place. Public hallways in shared accommodations are also popular, preferably blocking emergency exits and any means of entrance. Creating an obstacle course for fellow residents is seen as good sport here. 

You can also leave your bike(s) chained to a lamppost outside your house - it externalises the obstacle course and gives dogs new and varied targets to pee on.

4. Window Foil
Many Dutch homes do not have curtains. They may have blinds or no window fittings at all. This is traditionally so you can peek in and view the showcase living rooms. However, over the years many Dutch homeowners have become torn between tradition and dignity. Do they really want you seeing them in their dressing gowns with bed hair every morning grabbing their first koffie of the day? The solution is window foil. Placed strategically over the windows you can't see out so obviously nobody can see in (except very small and very tall people).

5. Sauces

Your fridge door must be full of different sauces to be served with every meal. Every meal, regardless of what it is. Of course, the food you serve will determine exactly which of the sauces you are to serve but there are some staples: knoflooksaus (garlic flavoured sauce), currysaus (spicy ketchup in essence) and chillisaus (chilli sauce). There are other sauces which are variable and optional but for kids you must serve appelmoes (apple sauce). I have heard that the wide choice of accompanying sauces is related to the lack of flavour in Dutch cuisine.......but I couldn't possibly confirm or deny that rumour.

6. Vases
Flowers are everywhere in the Netherlands. They are also commonly brought by visitors. So if you are a bit of a socialite, then you will need a lot of vases and many free surfaces to put your flowers in and on. Wide vases, narrow vases, tall vases and short stumpy vases - you'll probably need them all.

7. Cheese Slicer

I had never owned a cheese slicer (kaasschaaf) in my pre-Netherlands life. Cheese in the UK is soft and comes in square chunks so can easily be cut with a knife or crumbled or grated for sandwiches. I now own two cheese slicers. (I actually had three but whilst some might find that luxurious, I found it to be a little excessive and as it came free with some cheese I chucked it away). Anyways.... Dutch cheese is hard and triangular shaped. Trying to cut it with a knife is just asking to lose at least one finger dangerous so cheese slicers are essential.

8. Chairs

Foreigners in the Netherlands all have to step into the circle of death at some point. If you have a Dutchie in your house, you may even have to create that birthday circle for yourself. For this you need as many chairs as you can muster from friends, family and neighbours. But you must also have a good supply in house. The good news is (so I am told) that the birthday circle is dying out and a thing for the older generations. There's hope for us expats yet......

*This may not be actually true at all.

The 9 Steps to a Perfect Dutch Birthday Circle Party

The dreaded Dutch birthday circle was the topic of a recent exchange on Twitter. It's often the topic of conversation in the expat corridors of the Netherlands. And there's a good reason for it.

For the buitenlanders among us the Dutch birthday party can be excruciatingly painful, tedious or downright baffling. Often all three. Once experienced it's hard to get over. But let's start at the beginning. Here's what happens.

1. Plan the Party

As with any party preparation anywhere in the world, planning for a Dutch begins in advance with a shopping list that looks like this:

The host may (or may not) order a cake at the local bakers. However, the day itself is when the work really begins.

2. Organise the Chairs

First things first. All chairs within the confines of the host’s house, and any that can be pilfered from friends, neighbours and nearby relatives, need to be meticulously arranged in a circle in the woonkamer. Space is limited in 99% of birthday party cases so the chairs need to be squeezed close together so that everyone has a chair but so that guests are not physically sitting on each other. The result is that the party-goers have to scramble over each other to get in and out of the circle. I have no idea if there is a special birthday party ruler that exists for this purpose or if Dutch people just feel by instinct when the seating is the right level of gezelligheid.

3. Clean Only Necessary Areas

Secondly, the living room needs to be cleaned from top to toe; this is after all the showcase for the rest of the house. Believe me, upstairs is not as clean, tidy and orderly as the room the birthday gathering is hosted in.

4. Brew Coffee

The next task on the to-do list is to brew gallons of coffee ready for the entrance of the guests. A lot of coffee is needed for a Dutch birthday party so it's best to start brewing a few hours before the first guests arrive. 

5. Pucker Up

Tardiness on such an occasion will not go unnoticed because as you arrive you give the birthday boy or girl three kisses on the cheek and utter ‘Gefeliciteerd met je verjaardag’. It is impossible to sneak in quietly. You must then parade around the room kissing other guests in the circle that you know. A polite nod of the head and a handshake is sufficient for unfamiliar faces. If you are not related to the jarige Job you may then take your place in the circle - which in itself is no mean feat (see step 2). 

However, if you are related to the birthday boy/girl then your work is not yet done. Each guest will now also kiss you and congratulate you on the birthday of your mother-in-law/father-in-law/husband/son etc. Then you may sit down.  However choose your place in the circle wisely. Your place in the circle is of the utmost strategic importance if you do not want to be clambering over your neighbour every time someone arrives - and the kissing ritual begins once more.

6. Open Birthday Gifts

Birthday gifts are ceremoniously given a public opening. Again, there is more circle scrambling with the exchange of more kisses, this time given as a thank you. All this happens just as you have managed to crawl over various distant relatives back to your seat on the far side of the circle.

7. Distribute the Crackers

It is now that the 'once small dry crackers but now small soggy crackers because filet americain was spread on them an hour ago' make their appearance. You are obliged to take one. And eat it. Smile and wave your hand about your ear to indicate that the cracker is lekker.

8. Distribute the Cake

If you are lucky the cake is now brought in to the room to choruses of “Lang zal ze leven” which is the Dutch equivalent of the Happy Birthday song. Lots of circle clambering and awkward passing of plates ensues.

Only once the cake is devoured may the alcohol flow (and I have heard about Dutch birthday parties that have failed to move to this latter stage of celebration, and to the expat’s horror, coffee and Spa are the only beverages making a post cake appearance - now if the time to leave if you find yourself at such a party as you know it will NOT get better). 

9. Chat Amongst Yourselves

You are required to talk to people in and around the circle, but without leaving your chair. It's an introvert's nightmare. It's living hell for expats still learning the local language. 

The more alcohol served obviously the rowdier the birthday circle becomes. It pinnacles with guests (still attached to their chairs in the circle) shouting across the circle to try to communicate with each other. Terrifying to say the least if you actually speak Dutch - too horrifying for words if you don't. 

If you are a Dutch birthday party virgin subject to tipsy Dutch strangers screaming from their chair on the other side of the room it can be traumatic. 

You have been warned.

8 Things the Dutch do Better than the English

I've been here a long time in the Netherlands now and I have learnt that there are some things that the Dutch do well. In fact there are a lot of things the Dutch do well.

Here are eight things that the Dutch could specifically teach the English a thing or two about......

1. How to Celebrate Defeat

The fact that the Dutch actually lost to the Spaniards in the World Cup 2010 final didn't make much of a difference to the after party. It was amazing. For one afternoon, everyone actually forgot that the Dutch football team had not brought the World Cup home. Even the Dutch media stood firmly behind celebrating the Dutch team's defeat. It's something that I am sure would never have happened in England; the media would have slaughtered the English team for losing the final and the English would have used the opportunity to revel in defeat - simply more fodder to moan about.

2. How to do a National Holiday

When the Dutch party on a national scale, the Dutch really party. The King's birthday (formerly the Queen's birthday which wasn't actually her birthday at all) is all the excuse the Dutch need to celebrate. The country turns orange, is adorned with flags and everyone takes to the streets. The English like to pace themselves, celebrating in this fashion perhaps once every 25 years coinciding with a jubilee of the British Queen. There was a knees up was in 1977 and then one in 2012 - I'm guessing there won't be one in 2037...... St. George's day, the national day of England, is still lacking any form of real celebration.

3. How to Tell It Like It is

The dutch don't hold back when it comes to speaking their mind. If they think it, they say it. Known for their bluntness, the Dutch make the English look like stuttering fools in the department of expressing their thoughts.

4. How to Balance Work and Family Life

The Dutch have got work life balance down to a fine art. Not that they are slackers. Not at all. It's just that whilst the English are contemplating life over their second cup of coffee at the breakfast table, the Dutch are already at their desks. And have been for hours. It means they can leave the office earlier and spend time with their families in the late afternoon/ early evening. The English have a long hours work culture - the longest work week in Europe in fact. Guess which nation scores well in every happiness survey going.....

5. How to Greet Strangers

From doctors' and dentists' waiting rooms to elevators, the Dutch don't hesitate to greet the entire waiting room or lift as they come in - loudly and confidently. The English on the other hand are masters of pretending that no other human being exists within a radius of half a kilometre. They put their heads down and stare at their feet. Should any sound pass their lips it is a bumbling mumble.

6. How to Give Flowers

The Dutch do flowers so much better than the English. In fact, the Dutch do flowers better than any other nation. They don't need an excuse or special occasion to adorn their houses with flowers. Dutch men don't need a reason to buy the women in their lives flowers. They are cheap and in abundance (the flowers, not the women). The Dutch have made a tourist industry (as well as an economy) out of flowers.  Many English men, however, still think they need to do something terribly wrong before they give their partners flowers - or wait for a special occasion.

7. How to Take the Work Out of Dinner Parties

When the Dutch host dinner parties they cleverly leave the cooking to their guests by getting the fondue or gourmet out. The English make hard work of making a three course meal they wouldn't attempt under normal circumstances.

8. How to do Post-Natal Care

Supplying a maternity nurse (kraamzorg) for the week after childbirth is part of the course in the Netherlands. It's one of the things I loved most about the birth process. Every mother is entitled to post-natal care that makes other nations green with jealousy. In England you are sent home from the hospital after a few days and left to discover the essentials of baby care for yourself. 

Nobody Told Me Culture Shock Could Be So Debilitating

In September I will have been here in the Netherlands for fifteen years. Fifteen years. That's no mean feat, even if I do say so myself.

These days I struggle with my identity on an almost daily basis - I'm stuck somewhere in the middle between learning to be Dutch and naturally being British. It's a different struggle than the one I faced fifteen years ago.

I fell in love with a Dutchman, lost my job in England and decided the time was right for a change. When my then boyfriend said come live a Dutch life with me I didn't hesitate. I stopped my job search, sold my flat and packed up all my belongings in a borrowed police trailer.  Easy peasy. I became an expat - just like that.

The Culture of Health and Safety: Ever Been Tempted to See What Happens if You Put Your Head in the Path of a Plane Propellor?

I recently returned to England for a couple of days and for the first time in many years I actually flew. The idea was to fly to Southampton from Amsterdam but some wise guy apparently thought parking our plane in the vicinity of Rotterdam was easier. Hence we were bussed from the Schiphol airport departure lounge to the plane. (For those not au fait with the British sense of humour, the plane was not actually parked in Rotterdam..... but it might as well have been given how long our bus ride was.)

We piled off the bus onto the Schiphol airport tarmac and formed a semi-orderly queue to go up the plane steps. (The reason I say semi-orderly is because there were Brits and many a Dutchman queueing. I think we all know which nationality was orderly and which nationality needs some serious queueing schooling and no one needs to be publicly shamed. Toch?) 

The plane was a little one. Not like a 'two seater' little one, but it certainly wasn't a jumbo jet. The little plane had little propellors, which were slowly turning while we queued to get onto the plane.

Surprisingly no one leapt from the queue to put their head in the way of the propellors, just to see what would happen. In fact, no one moved out of the semi-orderly line at all and instead continued to shuffle forward to get on the plane. No deaths, beheadings, or even slight mutilations. Common sense and self-preservation prevailed.

My return flight from Southampton a few days later involved us walking a few meters from the departure gate to the airplane steps. Same type of airplane. Little. Same little propellors except this time there was no movement from them at all. However, we were all mighty relieved to know despite their non-movement we were kept safe by British health and safety measures.

Thanks to a fluorescent green band placed strategically around the side of the plane no passenger could end up in a dangerous life threatening incident. No passenger could any closer to the plane than the steps leading up to its front door. No chance of a confused pensioner heading for the back of the plane, no possibility that a tall Dutchman should bang his noggin against the wing and certainly no room for a freak accident involving a propellor and a curious passenger.

And if we hadn't seen the fluorescent green tape lining the plane perimeter airport personnel donned in fluorescent green jackets were strategically placed to ensure no passenger straying. In short, the only way any passenger was getting anywhere near the plane was upwards via the steps.

I've heard lots of expats living in Britain talking about the craziness of health and safety policies there. I've also heard lots of things from family, particularly when they are over here in the Netherlands and pointing out situations that would NEVER be allowed in Britain. They comment that the British are no longer allowed to rely on common sense to keep themselves out of dangerous situations.

And my airport adventure showed me how justified those feelings are. The Dutch authorities trust that no one will be tempted to put their head into the path of a plane's propellors. The British authorities remove the temptation altogether with fluorescent tape and staff in fluorescent jackets. Because you just never know. 

Has British health and safety gone too far? What are health and safety measures like where you live?

Ten Ways to Test if Expat Life is the Life for You

Maybe not everyone is cut out for expat life. Want to know if life abroad is for you? Want to try before you fly? Test the waters before you cross them? Here are ten ways to judge if you can hack expat life before you actually become an expat.

1. Put Yourself in Isolation

Spend one month in almost complete physical isolation from your family and friends. In fact, if you want to go for the ultimate test, isolate yourself from anyone who speaks your language. You may Skype, Facebook, text or call loved ones but absolutely no visits in person. This is how it feels when you first move abroad. Feeling lonely?

2. Think Back to Toddler Days

Think back to when you were two years old. (This one is easier to do if you are a parent.) Can you remember your capacity for language back then? Revert to that level of communication for a week. You can use your hands, mime your wishes and use two word sentences to express yourself in public with other real live human beings. The only proper verbal conversation you may have is with your family via the phone or Skype (see 1). This is how it is to live in a country where you do not speak the language, and they don't speak yours. Frustrated yet?

3. Gobbledygook Shopping 

Let's move on to shopping. Imagine going to your local supermarket one day and all the words on all the food items have been turned into gobbledygook. You do not understand a single word on any of the products and so have to do your grocery shopping entirely based pictures on the labels and how the product looks. Fruit and vegetables are probably easy, but what meat are you buying? What ingredients are actually in that tin? Still managing to put healthy, delicious meals together every night?

4. Sorry Sir, We Don't do Your Size

Imagine going to your local shoe shop to be told they don't make adult shoes in your size. Your feet are too small by local standards - perhaps you could try the children's section? Now head to a clothes shop and try on a pair of trousers. The leg is so long you could actually get one and a half of your own leg in one trouser length. But you have to buy them because that's the best fit you're going to get. You can pay a tailor to fix them for you later right?

5. Eating Goodness Knows What Out

Go to a restaurant and ask for the menu. The entire list is incomprehensible to you. The waiter doesn't understand what you are saying (see number 2), has no other menu for you and you are clueless what he means when he waves his hands around at you. You must choose something to eat. Now. Had a good meal?

6. A Glass of Froth

Go to a bar and order a glass of your favourite beer. Oh wait, they don't have the beer you usually drink. Order any beer you think you may be able to drink. Point to the beer tap and mime drinking to order your beverage (see number 2). The bartender presents you with a small glass of what, when all is said and done, is mainly froth. Drink it. Will you get used to it?

7. Nothing is Familiar

Imagine you wake up morning after morning for a week and when you look out of your bedroom window you recognise nothing. You step outside your home and nothing is familiar. You feel a deep, primal ache for just one little thing that feels familiar but you know you are months away from that happening. That's culture shock and homesickness.

8. An Administration Headache

You need to open a bank account but have no idea where to start; the forms you need to fill in are in a foreign language and you need to show documents you don't have. You need to get your electricity, internet and telephone switched on but you need to have a bank account to get connected. You are no longer allowed to drive a car until you have a new driving licence, which means you must take a new driving test, so must learn to read road signs and learn the rules of the road in a language you don't speak. Got a bureaucratic headache yet?

9. Stop Working

You love your career. You've done well for yourself. However, you are now, with immediate effect, no longer allowed to work. That vocational qualification or university degree you have spent years earning? It's suddenly not valid so you can't practice your career anymore. So you decide to do something else, you're multi-skilled. First, you need a permit to work. That means more paperwork, including showing documents that you don't yet have, and when you get hold of them getting them certified to show that they are genuine. It will take months before you can do any kind of work, and it will likely not match your education and qualifications. That ok?

10. See the World Through Different Eyes

Pretend you are heading off on a huge adventure where everything you see is new, every new sound sends jolts of excitement through you. Imagine that every person you meet is new, and that they all have a fascinating story to tell from all the nooks and crannies of the world. Every experience you have, from the mundane day to day to the one off breathtaking events, teaches you something valuable about yourself and the world around you. You see a world so different to the one you have lived in so far. You learn different ways to do things. You try new foods, new ways of cooking, new ways of shopping. You experience new climates, new religions, new traditions, new customs. You see the world in new colours. Seem like fun?

If this all seems like a walk in the park, pack your bags and go. If number 10 is enough to counteract every single one of the other 9 then what are you waiting for? Expat life awaits!

Of course, this is tongue in cheek - my point is that expat life is not a bed of roses. At times it is damn hard, harder than you can imagine but the payback is huge. Life changing. And worth the jump if you are willing to overcome the obstacles!

Why Dutch Doctors Are Stingy with the Drugs

Dutch doctors have a notorious reputation amongst expats as being a tad stingy with dishing out pills. No matter what ailment you drag yourself to the doctor with the answer to your problem is invariably paracetamol. (There is a fabulous chapter in Dutched Up!: Rocking the Clogs Expat Style on this topic written by the wonderful Lynn Morrison which you need to read!)

Until I moved to the Netherlands I really had no idea about all the different varieties you can get paracetamol in - factors pertaining to strength, format (i.e. where you can stick it) and target group. A whole new paracetamol world opened up to me when I became an expat here in the Netherlands.

I also learnt that if you want a Dutch doctor to take you serious you must have already gone down the paracetamol road. Otherwise don't dare to darken his or her doorstep with your ailments.

Photo Credit: Richard Dunstan

However, when you are in pain, really in pain, the kind of pain that leaves you hobbling in to your doctor's office in tears, your pain will be rewarded. I was recently prescribed diclofenac for the pain caused by what my doctor thought was a possible hernia - and told to take it with paracetamol three times a day. (Paracetamol is never replaced, it just gains a friend to join it along the road of pain.)

I took diclofenac and lo and behold I felt no more pain. I could walk again. However by day five I felt like a bus had side swiped me. My head throbbed, I felt like someone had blown me up like a balloon. My stomach cramped and ached. I constantly felt like I was going to vomit and I felt so damn tired.

So I stopped with the pills. And carried on with paracetamol only. And a little over twenty four hours later I felt more like myself again, and was almost pain free.

Two weeks ago my husband had keyhole surgery on his knee. He can't take the usually prescribed naproxen which is prescribed in these 'pain' situations as the side effects make him very ill, usually feeling much worse than the ailment itself so instead the surgeon prescribed him morphine based pain relief.

Which make him sleepy and irritable and which play havoc with his stomach some days. He also keeps scratching himself like a flea ridden monkey - but his post-surgery pain is considerably reduced.

If you read up about the drugs I have mentioned above you may (or may not) be alarmed to read warnings about usage and an increased risk of a stroke or heart attack, or fatal stomach or intestinal bleeding. The long list of possible common side effects for each pain relief medication leave your eyes bulging and mind boggling.

Photo Credit: Niels Rameckers

Oh! Wait a minute.... is this perhaps, maybe, possibly, why Dutch doctors don't dish out these pills like sweets? Maybe, just maybe, this is why Dutch doctors make you try everything else first......and save the strong stuff as a last resort. Maybe. Just maybe.

What is the trend with doctors where you live - pill happy or stingy with the meds?