Happy 4th Birthday - A Letter to Mr C

Dear Mr C,

Today you turn four but it's a mere formality - it feels like you've been four for a few weeks. You are so ready for the next stage, to leave the peuterspeelzaal behind and start at primary school. You are trying to write your name, chalking numbers on the blackboard in your playhouse in the garden and you are drawing beautiful little creations for us all. You're ready for school. You're ready to move on, far more ready than I am to see you leave every day for school.

We're going to start with just mornings but I have the feeling it won't be long before you are begging to do full days. So far you've been three afternoons and a morning to your new school and you've loved it. You've enjoyed a Koningspelen breakfast and sang and danced "Doe de Kanga" on the school playground with the rest of the school, including your big brother.

Your name is already being called across the school playground when we go to pick up big brother, Mr S. You'll be running off to playmate's houses for lunch before I can catch my breath I'm sure - in fact you and your friend from peuterspeelzaal, who is going to the same primary school, have already set up a lunch date for after the May break. Nothing like being organised!

You're quiet and serious in school. You once played the little clown at home, entertaining us all with madness and fun but you have passed that particular baton to your little brother Mr O and now you are tackling the serious business of becoming a 'grote jongen'.

In your new school the teachers have already indicated that you are quiet, don't say much yet but that you are an easy child - you are joining in, know what you are doing and you just get on with it. But you need time to warm up. And warm up I know you will - you'll be in your element with new activities to try and so much to learn. Get used to your new environment in your own time, and in your own way. When your older brother started school we were newbies and we let the teachers corner us as he got used to going to school - we won't fall into the same trap - we'll do things your way, at your pace.

You have now had your last day in the peuterspeelzaal, the last day in the same class as your little brother, who you've cherished and looked after in school. You've put your arms round him on more than one occasion to protect him when he's unsure in school. You've also both made the teacher mad hitting each other, striking out for attention.

As the middle child your role has always been a little confusing - should you aspire to do the things your big brother does or follow your little brother's lead? Your older brother has had so much attention recently, and you've just gone with the flow. For a few months you and Mr O have been in each other's shadow in the classroom, your little brother being the one needing the help and guidance and you being the class pro. Now you'll be back on your own in a classroom. No brother in tow. Now it's your time to shine, to step into the sunlight and let people see just what you can do - independently. And we know that that is a lot.

You're quick to pick things up. You love to be challenged, to do what seems unlikely. Your imagination is a beautiful, precious thing. Your conversation is entertaining and enchanting and sometimes just downright baffling. You make us laugh with your observations.  You're as happy clambering around a playground as you are watching Misty Island for the 457th time. You're loving your swimming classes and enjoying gym on a Saturday. And I know primary school will join that list.

I will miss having you home every day. So during this May break I will cherish every day off we have, knowing that when school begins again you'll be joining the ranks of school goers. Yesterday we had your party. Grandad and Nana have come over from England to spend the weekend with you, to mark your birthday with you. Today all seven of us will celebrate your actual birth day by taking you out for the day, putting you in the spotlight, where you belong. Making it your day.

Mr C, I hope you have a wonderful 4th birthday and a great break before you start school in a couple of weeks.

We love you kanjer,
 lots of hugs,

Mama & Papa
xx

Silent Sunday 27 April

Two Reasons to Celebrate Today: 200 and King's Day

This is my 200th blog post on Expat Life with a Double Buggy! Woop, woop. Want to know just how special that is? Look outside and you'll see flags flying and people partying in the street. 200 posts. Wow.
Oh, and it's also the first King's Day in the Netherlands. Ever. Koningdag. Which is also kind of special. But absolutely not why everyone is flying flags and dancing in the streets.

Noticed how everyone around you is still calling today Koninginnedag  - that's because this kind of change takes time to get used to. Since this day of royal celebration began, back in 1885, it has been Queen's Day, marking the birth day of the reigning Dutch queen. Until Beatrix came to the throne that is. She kept the celebration of Queen's Day as her mother's birthday on 30 April, instead of changing the date to her own birthday in January. For weather reasons. Who wants to party outside in January? In the Netherlands? No one, not even to mark 200 blog posts.

Last year, on the last day of April the Netherlands celebrated Queen's Day for the last time, at least for a while until one of Willem-Alexander's three daughters takes over the throne. Beatrix handed over the royal reigns to her son and he became the first King of the Netherlands since Willem III left the throne in 1890. Hence, there has been no previous King's Day celebration in the Netherlands.

Everything wears orange
on Queen's/King's Day

King Willem-Alexander celebrates his birthday on the 27 April and so chose to move King's Day to his 'real' birth date. The 27th however falls on a Sunday this year, and Sundays are just not done when it comes to King or Queen's Day. So it was moved to the 26th, a Saturday.

So, one of his first actions as king was to piss off a lot of Dutch people who lost their day off work (had it remained the 30th April we'd all be dancing in the streets on a Wednesday, a bank holiday, a day off). Luckily for him, I believe, he was quickly forgiven.

So here we are. King's Day. My father and stepmother are actually flying over from England for this very historic, special occasion (well, that and their grandson's 4th birthday) but I'm guessing it will be pretty much like every other Queen's Day you may or may not have had the pleasure to
celebrate. It's a lot of fun - and the only day of the year you can just willy-nilly lay a blanket on the floor and sell your unwanted belongings to passersby.

More crap being sold than you can shake a stick at

In short, get your orange clothes on, put a silly orange hat on your head and get yourself in to your nearest town to buy somebody else's unwanted crap from the pavement, listen to music, have a drink or two and generally enjoy the gezelligheid of the Dutch party goers around you.

What do you have planned? Where will you be spending the first Dutch King's Day?

My Mommy Hotspot Baptism

I am delighted to share that I have just started as a contributing author for Mommy Hotspot and my first post went live yesterday.

Mommy Hotspot is a website set up with the one aim of connecting mothers across the world (as well as giving a dedicated corner to dads). You can read articles about parenting, crafting and creating and entertaining as well as read product reviews. And I am thrilled to be a part of it!

My first article is on the topic of the Dutch and how they seem to have mastered the concept of a work life balance, much more so that some other countries. An article I shared on my Facebook page earlier in the week springs to mind.....

You can read A Dutch Lesson on Work Life Balance by visiting http://www.mommyhotspot.com/a-dutch-lesson-on-work-life-balance/. I would love to hear your thoughts, read your comments and appreciate you sharing the article if you enjoyed it.

I will be sharing my thoughts on parenting, especially overseas, raising boys and on the topic of highly sensitive children each month over on Mommy Hotspot. You can keep up with new posts on the Mommy Hotspot Facebook page, or by following on Twitter at @MommyHotSpot. I hope you'll join me over there!

Expat Truths: Making Friends

Just over a month or so ago I shared my scary experience of meeting a group of extremely negative expats which stayed with me for a long time after (more than ten years and counting).

The response I got to that blog post ranged from,

"Didn't it occur to you that they maybe needed help?" to "I have had the exact same experience. Don't go there."

Silent Sunday 20 April

Easter is No Longer About Size

Easter growing up was about biiiig chocolate Easter eggs and the fun of hunting until we had found our stash of chocolate. These days I'm happier with much smaller eggs...and don't bother hiding them....They are not easy to come by for expats in the Netherlands but I had a recent trip back to England........Happy Easter!

My Reverse Expat Bucket List

Instead of keeping track of all the things I still want to do in life, I loved Erika from America's idea of capturing all the experiences and achievements that she has already been fortunate enough to have.

And as a contra to some of the most recent posts I have written about the tougher aspects of expat life, I thought it would be nice to dwell on all the great things I have done, seen and achieved because of my expat life.

You can read more about how this idea evolved here. But I don't want to just throw my reverse expat bucket list out there - I want to read yours too, hence the idea of a blogging link up. You can find the link up button and a picture you can use at the end of this post.

So here goes. This is my reverse bucket list made possible because I became an expat and moved to the Netherlands.

1. Be a mama to three beautiful Dutch boys
2. Abandon your comfort zone and take a huge risk
3. Expand your world
4. Fit all your worldly possessions into a borrowed police trailer and take it from England to the Netherlands to make a new life
5. Marry a Dutchman
6. Get married at a mill (even if it is water and not wind)
7. Live daily life in a second language
8. Go through the classic culture shock curve and come out smiling
9. Adapt to a new culture
10. Appreciate your British culture
11. Learn what is important in life by watching the Dutch masters of work life balance
12. Have Dutch people speak Dutch back to you when you speak Dutch to them
13. Have three bilingual children
14. Have three dual nationality children
15. Bring three children up in two cultures
16. Visit four countries in one day 
17. Find three ways to travel from the Netherlands to England
18. Take a high speed train to Paris
19. Visit a Christmas market in Germany
20. Drive to Denmark and visit Legoland
21. Drive to Euro Disney
22. Visit Movie World in Germany by car
23. Visit Muiderslot
24. Visit Keukenhof at its most beautiful 
25. See the Dutch flower fields up close and personal
26. Visit the Zaanse Schans
27. View the Netherlands from above in a very, very small plane.
    
    Fly it yourself for seven seconds before you freak out and give the control back to an experienced pilot
28. Have a family photo session outside the Dutch parliament
29. Get back on a bicycle after a twenty year abstention
30. Plan for a home birth
31. Plan to give birth without pain relief
32. Have three children born in a Dutch hospital
33. Welcome kraamzorg in to your home three times and realise just how lucky you are to have postnatal help
34. Own a home abroad
35. Cook a Dutch meal
36. Eat a sweet pancake and call it dinner, not pudding
37. Eat speculoos with abandonment
38. Eat an orange tompouce
39. Eat Indonesian food
40. Renovate an old worker's house in The Hague
41. Understand the terms and conditions of your mortgage written solely in Dutch
42. Watch The Bridge spoken in original language with Dutch subtitles and understand what is going on
43. Watch Borgen in Danish with Dutch subtitles and totally get it
44. Watch a Dutch film and actually laugh at the funny bits
45. Watch a musical in Dutch and sing along - quietly
46. Read a book you are not familiar with in Dutch and be able to follow the plot
47. Listen to Dutch music
48. See Dutch musicians in concert and sing along - quietly
49. Meet inspirational people from all corners of the world, including from countries you barely knew the existence 
50. Love the diversity of culture in your life
51. Make Dutch friends
52. Be brave and quite your job in the corporate world and start a career you are passionate about, one that makes your heart sing 
53. Take a distance learning course in journalism
54. Start a blog about expat life
55. Write expat articles
56. Write for Smitten by Britain
57. Have an idea for a book
58. Interview the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest from both the north and south sides
59. Celebrate Queen's Night in The Hague
60. Celebrate Queen's Day in Amsterdam
61. Celebrate Sinterklaas
62. Celebrate new year's eve in the Netherlands
63. See a Chinese New Year celebration in The Hague
64. Celebrate Bonfire Night in Amsterdam
65. See the preparations made for a Nuclear Security Summit
66. Stand two feet away from the Dutch Prime Minister
67. Stand so close to a Dutch Crown Prince you could almost touch him, a risk not worth taking because of the inconspicuous security he has near him
68. See behind the scenes at a Dutch hospital
69. Get whisked away to hospital in a Dutch ambulance
70. Go on natural ice - a frozen pond or canal
71. Hang a birthday calendar in the smallest room of your house instead of writing birthdays out year after year
72. Learn it is better to pay to use a clean toilet than to visit a dirty one for free
73. Use a cheese slicer without losing a finger, or a part thereof
74. Go to a Dutch birthday circle and survive to tell the tale
75. Watch a football tournament with English and Dutch teams in the Amsterdam Arena 
76. See a football team you care about make it to the World Cup Final
77. Help out in a Dutch classroom for a morning and be proud that the children actually know what you are saying to them in Dutch
78. See Bruce Springsteen in concert in Feyenoord's stadium

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Translation Help From My Three Year Old

My two youngest were making Easter chicks and my three year old wanted to give the chick a nice hairdo with some pipe cleaners. We didn't have quite the colour he wanted but he made do with a brown and orange striped look.

Photo Credit: Valerie Like

I told him we needed to get some more pipe cleaners.

"What are they called again in Dutch?" I asked him.

"What are they in English?" he asked.

"Pipe cleaners." I said.

"Right. Then buis cleaners. No, no, no. Buis schoonmakers." He replied proudly. Literal, direct translation. Brilliant. I love how his mind works.

The actual word, in case you are wondering, seems to be (after much searching, grilling of Dutch husband and bizarre conversations) pijpenragers or maybe ragers voor knutselen. Anyone know better? And now the search for a shop that actually sells them is on......

UPDATE: Available from HEMA and called dikke chenille..... my public service duty for April done - you're welcome! With thanks to Irene....

What Picture do we Paint of Ourselves Living Life in a Second Language?

What picture do you paint of yourself living life
in a second language?

Can your true self ever really shine through if you are constantly communicating in a language that is not your mother tongue? It's a question that I've given a lot of thought to during my time living overseas. I've even written on this topic before. (See "How do you say me?" on Expat Harem). I'm not talking about expats who spend a couple of years in a country and then move on, but those of us that have moved overseas to be with a partner for example, who don't have an end date to their overseas assignment. Those of us who live our daily lives in a foreign language.

Think about it. The situations where not speaking the local language fluently can give someone the wrong impression about you are infinite. Someone tells you of a bereavement but you don't have the words to tell them how sorry you are, you cannot express the depth of your sympathy in their language. You can't comfort them in the way you would like, the vocabulary just isn't there, like it would be in your mother tongue. Do you come across as uncaring or cold, whilst actually your heart aches for them?

You can't tell your favourite anecdote with the descriptive words and detail you'd like, the one that reveals so much about you. You can't get that punch line out, tell that joke in a way that shares so accurately your sense of humour. Do you seem distant and humourless whilst the truth is you'd love to be able to share a little more of yourself and you're actually amusing to be around?

I'm pretty sure that I sometimes (read often) come across as a bit of a klutz to my in-laws. There are times I cannot get the right Dutch words to my tongue in time during a conversation and the result must be that I seem disinterested or that I have no opinion. The truth is I have an opinion on most things, but I can't always express them in an intelligent manner in Dutch. When I add something in the midst of a conversation with my Dutch family it sounds like a five year old suddenly piped up and said something. I've been here so long in the Netherlands now I wonder how much of an allowance they make for me. How much of my awkward communication do they put down to me speaking in a language not my own, and how much do they attribute to who I am, or their view of who I am.

How, in our interactions with others, do we reveal the real us? It is of course not just verbal. We show a lot through our body language (which incidentally can also be a cultural nest of vipers) and the actions we undertake. Putting your arms around someone can say much more than any words at a difficult time. There are ways to show feelings without having the words at our command. However, I do believe that you need a certain level language ability in order to let the real you shine through, to share your depth and let another person in to your inner world.

It's the reason why my husband and I end up having dual language conversations when the subject matter is complicated or emotionally highly charged - so that we can truly explain how we feel without stumbling around looking for words in a second language, a process that waters our emotions and feelings down, unconciously making some things seem more trivial to the other than the reality.

It's the reason why professionals recommend that any coaching or therapy you have is done in your mother tongue.

It's the reason why so many expats complain making friends with the locals is hard. How deep can a friendship be when one of you is always communicating in a language that is learned?

That's not to say a relationship or friendship conducted in two languages doesn't work. Far from it. We are living proof that they do work. We develop our own way of communicating with each other. It works. But it takes time, it takes understanding, it means making allowances and giving the benefit of the doubt. All of which are not givens when you are meeting new people, developing new relationships, trying to let others who know nothing about you see a glimpse of your personality, when what they hear is someone tripping over their words in a  language that they clearly have not made their own.

Does it matter whether people here in the Netherlands ever know me as I was back in my passport country? Is there a pre-expat me and an expat me? Am I a different person when I talk in Dutch? Is the English-speaking me the real version of me? I don't know.

What I do know for sure is that I am more reserved in Dutch than in English because my Dutch vocabulary doesn't stretch as far as my English. I have less to say in a Dutch crowd than in an English group. There is currently a gap between the two personas. And I wonder if it will ever change. And I know that it does matter, at least to me.

The Farewells That are Forever aka When Expat Life Sucks

As you read this I am back in Britain attending a funeral. It is one of the hardest aspects of expat life - being away from family and loved ones at times of sickness and bereavement. I'm lucky that I can be back in England within hours. I know many expats have it much tougher (like my brother in the US) when they need to be back in their passport country, the place that is still home to those we care so much about.  Words I wrote last week ring in my ears,

"Normal life continues at home or away with all its ups and downs. Moving overseas does not mean there is no more drama in your life, or that you can escape what happens back 'home'. Sometimes it can actually make problems worse as solving issues back in your home country is harder. Expat life is not an escape from life."

When something bad happens that makes me want to go back to my birth country, it is never a question of just jumping in a car and heading off. Not like it would be if I still lived in England. Life as an expat means it's not straightforward to be there for loved ones the moment you are needed. It takes time. It takes planning. Travel needs to be booked. Emergency funds are needed. Logistics take over.

On top of that loved ones back 'home' inevitably say things like,  "don't feel like you have to come back" or "no one is expecting you to fly over for the funeral" or stronger still, "don't come, there's nothing you can do anyway." They are genuinely trying to make life easier, take a decision out of your hands. But I know in my heart if I can be there then I will. Expected or not. Easy or not.

Because on one occasion I couldn't be there, and it haunts me still seven years later.

This time I've headed back alone. My children need normal life here in the Netherlands to carry on. They don't need to be at a funeral. That sentiment is not expat related, it's just a parenting choice. Last week, as a couple my husband and I needed to think ahead, to juggle, to scamper around in order to make it work so I could get a flight back to England, stay overnight in Wales and fly back to the Netherlands the following day.

Whilst I was making plans last week so I could be in Wales today it struck me that there will only be more of these moments in the future. None of us are getting any younger.

I have been back to England on one previous occasion for a funeral and that time too I flew back alone. The news was out of the blue. It came as a hard hitting punch. It was heartbreaking to be there at the graveside but I wanted to be there for my family, to show I cared, even though I had been no part of the pain they had been through in the months and weeks before the end. Being there without my husband and my own little family was tough but it was no tougher an experience than not being present at my gran's funeral seven years ago. The absence that haunts me still, seven years later.

My first son has just been born, I was an emotional wreck, he had no passport, I was breastfeeding waiting for my milk to come in properly. And then I learnt that my gran has passed away. I had seen her in hospital a few months prior to her death; she'd had a stroke. It broke my heart to see her so different to the grandmother she had been to me growing up. Whilst I held her hand as she sat in her hospital bed I knew it was a possibility that I would not see her again. But I hoped. And as the new year rolled in the news did seem to be getting more positive. There was a glimmer of light, a hope of at least a part recovery. But the light went out. And I couldn't be at her funeral. Logistics. Timing. Expat stuff.

So I know in my heart, if I can be there, I will. The alternative is harder to bear.

Expat Bloggers Link Up: My Reverse Expat Bucket List

I have had two massive nudges in the last week to acknowledge my expat achievements and appreciate just how far I have come since I moved to the Netherlands in 2000.

Firstly Jessica de Rooij posted this comment on a recent post about the things I have learnt from the Dutch,

"Today I had this thought that I wanted to compliment all expat mamas because you must be very skilled to live in a foreign country: be an expat, mama and happy at the same time. Takes a huge effort."

Living overseas is indeed not as easy as it may seem to inexperienced non-traveled eyes.  Doing it as a parent throws up its challenges too - after all I am raising three children in a country that I did not grow up in. My childhood was spent in a different culture to the one my children are growing up in. My sons have Dutch nationality and speak Dutch as their first language. It is not a scenario I ever imagined whilst I was doing my growing up in Britain. And yet here I am. An expat. A mama. Happy. Thank you Jessica for a lovely reminder that expat parenting takes skill and effort.

My second nudge came in the form of a tweet I saw about The Reverse Bucket by Erika from America. Instead of dwelling on all the things she hasn't done, she compiled a list of all the things she has done. I love the idea. It is so easy to focus on what you haven't yet achieved and forget the victories and experiences you already have under your belt. Particularly when you have replanted yourself in a new country and have made/are making a new life for yourself.

A recent post I wrote about the 10 hard lessons I have learnt on the way to a happy life abroad resonated with many expats (it is by far my most read post, and with 1.9k Facebook likes as I write the most popular by a mile) and also made me stop and realise how far I have come since those early newbie expat days when I made the jump over the North Sea to the Netherlands. In other words my reverse expat bucket list should be huge. And so should yours.

And so it struck me that we expats should shout about our accomplishments. And the idea for another expat bloggers link up was born: My Reverse Expat Bucket List. On Thursday 17th April I will publish my post listing the things that I have achieved as an expat, the top experiences that I have gained since moving overseas - and I invite you to do the same and link up. You can write as short or long a list as you like, you can focus on one major accomplishment, you can list 200 - there are no rules except that you should shout as loud as you can about the amazing things you have done as an expat. Are you in?

Silent Sunday 6 April

The British Art of Queuing on Smitten By Britain

The British know how to queue. Fact. However, from what I read, I fear it may be a dying art. Fact or fiction? You tell me. My latest article on this all important British cultural topic is over on Smitten by Britain.

"I arrived first at the bus stop and stood in the place I deemed logical to start the queue for the bus. Others arrived. They stood in random places: a businessman set down his briefcase and busied himself with a newspaper; an early shopper placed her bags on the ground and played with her telephone; a student stood a few feet away with headphones blaring a tinny noise, ignoring the world around him."

- See more at: http://www.smittenbybritain.com/the-british-art-of-queuing

The Highly Sensitive Child Book Review by Craftie Mum

*My Happy Sensitive Kids blog is the place to find all new highly sensitive related posts* 

If you are parenting a highly sensitive child then Elaine Aron's book called "The Highly Sensitive Child" is undoubtedly a must read. Catarina Queiroz of the blog Craftie Mum (http://craftiemum.com/) has just finished reading the book and kindly volunteered to share her thoughts on Aron's book.

  Reviewed by Catarina Queiroz

"Are you being encouraged to think there is a problem with your child for things like seeming shy and withdrawn, worrying excessively for her age, eating problems, frequent emotional outbursts and nightmares?

It may be that you are the parent of a child that is simply highly sensitive, an inherited trait that is shared by 15 to 20% of the world’s population, irrespective of gender. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Child, Elaine N. Aron explains what it means to be highly sensitive: in very broad terms, from birth you are wired to notice more in your environment than most people and deeply reflect before taking action.

Being highly sensitive is not a disorder nor a disadvantage since in terms of human evolution it is wise to have a large minority that reflects before acting, noticing potential danger and devising good strategies to avoid it, in contrast with the bold and outgoing majority.

Aron's book invites parents of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) to take a fresh look at their child and start noticing the advantages of this innate temperament: like being intelligent, intuitive, creative, cautious and conscientious.

The motto the author proposes to these parents is: “To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child”. This means embracing your child’s wonderful sensitivity and exploring ways of helping your child thrive it in a world that belongs to the outgoing majority and promotes all forms of overstimulation. In this context, it’s important to keep in mind that enough down time and quiet is essential for a child that is highly sensitive to all stimuli from the outer world. If this need for quiet is respected, the HSC will thrive and not appear distressed at all.

From birth to young adulthood, Elaine N. Aron gives lots of useful strategies for parenting a HSC. There are 20 tips for teachers provided at the end, as well as some great resources in case the reader wants to investigate further.

Catarina advises you to sit, relax and read this book
Photo Credit: Tamlyn Rhodes

The Highly Sensitive Child is like a sigh of relief for parents that are constantly bombarded by society to conform and force their child to be like most outgoing children. The truth is that it’s ok to be sensitive and this trait is actually needed to create a balance in our busy, noisy and boisterous world. If you feel you may have a HSC at home, I recommend that you relax and read this book."


If you are parenting a highly sensitive child and want more information visit the Highly Sensitive Children page of this blog, or join the Happy Sensitive Kids closed Facebook group to talk to other parents of HSC.

New Article: Forget Labels, Think Instruction Manuals

My latest article for Amsterdam Mamas is on the topic of labelling our children. I wrote it after a conversation I had with a mother of a highly sensitive child who was reluctant to discuss her child's character traits with her new school. It got me thinking about our own journey with my son and his schooling and I realised the effects of sticking a 'highly sensitive child' label on his head and how differently we approached it when we changed schools. It proved to be a successful formula.

"A mother of a highly sensitive child (HSC) who had just started primary school told of how her child was struggling in the classroom, resulting in tantrums and tears at home. The teacher was being less than understanding about her daughter’s need for quiet time to recharge, and failed to grasp just how overwhelming the school environment is for her daughter." 

You can read more over on Amsterdam Mamas. I would love to hear your thoughts over on Amsterdam Mamas.